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  You lied to me.

  I didn’t lie.

  You didn’t tell us you had a criminal conviction.

  When I tell you what it was for you’ll laugh.

  We’re closed.

  Y

  I’ve got an appointment

  What time was it?

  Four-thirty.

  It’s four-fifty.

  Y

  You’re twenty minutes late.

  Y

  If I don’t make my appointment that’s really bad for me.

  Not my problem.

  Y

  I got rent to pay please.

  I’m evicting you.

  Y

  I’m looking for a job please just give me a couple of weeks longer.

  Can’t do it. Sorry.

  Y

  I’m not going anywhere.

  Then I’ll have to call the police.

  Y

  Excuse me sir.

  What.

  You’ve been sitting here for three hours and you’ve only bought a cup of tea.

  So?

  So other customers might like to use the table.

  I’m not doing any harm.

  Don’t get aggressive with me sir.

  Y

  I’m not. I wasn’t.

  Some people have been complaining. About

  What?

  About the smell.

  Come on mate. I’ve told you before. You can’t sleep here.

  I’m going.

  Y

  Come on mate. I’ve told you before. You can’t sleep here.

  I’m going.

  Y

  Come on mate. I’ve told you before. You can’t sleep here.

  I’m going.

  Y

  Come on mate. I’ve told you before. You can’t sleep here. See that sign?

  I’m going alright I’m going I’m going I keep going and keep going and keep going but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do I don’t know what I’m supposed to do –

  XXX

  Okay.

  I got this.

  What you doing here?

  STANDING.

  Y

  ON THE GRASS.

  Y

  BUT I’M NOT ALLOWED ON THE GRASS.

  Y

  SO I’M GONNA GET OFF RIGHT NOW.

  Y

  I’M GONNA GET OFF RIGHT NOW AND I’M REALLY SORRY.

  Y

  I’M GONNA GET OFF RIGHT NOW AND I’M REALLY SORRY I WALKED ON THE GRASS AND I’M GONNA WORK REALLY REALLY HARD AND BE REALLY NICE AND NOT SWEAR AND GIVE LOADS OF MONEY TO THE GRASS CHARITY.

  …

  I’M STANDING ON THE GRASS BUT I’M NOT ALLOWED ON THE GRASS SO I’M GONNA GET OFF RIGHT NOW AND I’M REALLY SORRY I’LL BE GOOD I’LL BEHAVE AND I WON’T EVER WALK ON THE GRASS AGAIN I WON’T EVEN LOOK AT SOME GRASS THE WRONG WAY I WON’T TALK BACK I’LL FOLLOW EVERY RULE I’LL DO WHATEVER I’M TOLD.

  WHATEVER I’M TOLD…

  …

  HOW IS THAT NOT IT?

  Fuck you.

  X

  Oh you don’t like that?

  X

  Fuck. You.

  Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

  XXX

  Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

  X

  Fuck you. Fuck you. X Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. X Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

  Fuckyou fuckyou fuckyou fuckyou fuckyou fuckyou X fuckyou fuckyou

  XXX

  Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuck

  FUCK YOU!

  XXXXXXX

  What you doing here?

  Standing on the grass.

  What does that sign say?

  Y

  I don’t care.

  X

  Er.

  I don’t care.

  X

  What you doing here?

  Standing on the grass.

  Why?

  I want to make a complaint.

  X

  I want to make a complaint.

  X

  You’ll have to come inside.

  Y

  No.

  X

  You’ll have to come back tomorrow.

  Y

  I want to make a complaint.

  X

  What’s the problem?

  X

  It stinks round here.

  X

  Nothing to do with me.

  Y

  There’s rubbish all over the streets.

  X

  I haven’t seen any.

  Y

  The lift in my block doesn’t work.

  X

  I’m sure it does.

  Y

  I feel sick.

  I feel really sick.

  Y

  Sick to my stomach.

  Y

  I’m sick of the state of everything and I feel it in my stomach.

  X

  I’m sick in my stomach and I’m really tired. I’m really tired and I’m sick in my stomach.

  X

  I’m sick and tired and I’m angry with myself for being so tired I’m angry with myself for being so sick and telling myself it’s alright because that’s just how we’re supposed to feel isn’t it that’s how we’re supposed to feel –

  XXXXX

  What you doing here?

  Grass. Standing.

  You’re not allowed.

  Y

  I know that.

  Y

  So?

  So I’m not going anywhere.

  X

  I’m not going anywhere.

  X

  Come back tomorrow?

  Y

  I’m not going anywhere.

  X

  You can’t stay here.

  Y

  I’m not going anywhere.

  X

  Come back tomorrow.

  Y

  I’m not going anywhere.

  X

  We’re closed.

  Y

  I’m not going anywhere.

  X

  Get off. Please.

  Make me.

  X

  I’ll call the police.

  Y

  Call them.

  X

  I’m going to call them.

  Y

  I want you to call them.

  Please just get off.

  I’m not going anywhere.

  X

  What’s the problem?

  There’s dogshit all over my street.

  I haven’t seen any –

  There’s dogshit all over my street. The windows on the old church hall have been broken for two months. X There’s still a hole in the pavement from when that lorry hit that tree. The lift doesn’t work. X The light on the fifth-floor landing is still blinking and every time I come home I think I’m in a horror film. The rubbish isn’t being collected on time. No one is taking care of the public garden. X I don’t like my neighbours. My neighbours don’t like me. My neighbours shout at me when I come home. I don’t know my neighbours. The baby next door keeps crying and no one is looking after it. They keep playing loud music. They keep stamping their feet. X They keep putting shit X keep putting shit through my letterbox. The trains don’t run on time. The buses are too full. I can’t afford any of the food round here. There are loads of new people and none of them talk to me. There are loads of new people and a lot of them look down when I walk past them. I don’t feel welcome in the cafés near my house. X I’m scared to let my dog out because a neighbour’s dog got cut up. My house is too small. It costs too much for me to get to work. There are too many people with beards. The water is bad for my teeth. You closed the library. X You closed the library and now I can’t get books out. You closed the library and now I don’t have anywhere to go in the afternoons. X You closed the library and now
I don’t have anywhere to use the internet. You closed the library and now there’s nowhere to go when it’s raining and in case you haven’t noticed it rains every single day. There’s dogshit all over my shoe just from walking here. There’s dogshit all over my fucking shoe and I’m sick of it I’m sick of it I’m sick of it and I’m not going anywhere until you get someone here to start cleaning it off.

  XXXXX

  What does that sign say?

  ‘Keep off the grass’

  Y

  And where are you standing?

  The grass.

  X

  Why?

  Sign says not to.

  X

  Why?

  Sign said not to.

  X

  Why?

  Because fuck that sign.

  X

  Fuck that sign and fuck that grass!

  X

  Fuck that grass and fuck that sign and fuck you too!

  XXXX

  What you doing here?

  Standing on the grass even though I’m not allowed on the grass.

  X

  Standing on the grass even though I’m not allowed on the grass.

  X

  I’M SORRY GRASS AM I HURTING YOU ARE MY POISON FEET HURTING YOU?

  X

  Standing on the grass and I’m not going anywhere.

  X

  Not going anywhere.

  X

  Not going anywhere.

  X

  I own this lawn.

  X

  This lawn is mine now.

  X

  The lawn is a symbol of wealth and oppression.

  X

  It was designed for lords to show peasants they were richer than them because they could afford to waste land and the peasants couldn’t.

  X

  It was designed for the middle classes to show their neighbours they were better than them because they could afford to waste time cutting grass and their neighbours couldn’t.

  X

  But we don’t have space or time to waste any more so if they’re not gonna use it we’re going to take it back or rip it up.

  X

  Rip it up and start again!

  X

  Take back every lawn around the world.

  X

  (Another language.) Take every lawn across the world!

  X

  I will not get off the fucking grass. This is my grass now.

  X

  (In another language.) This is our grass now.

  X

  I will stand on the grass for as long as I like.

  X

  I will stand here for a week.

  X

  A month.

  X

  Ten years.

  X

  I will stand here until I’m ancient and I drop down dead X and then my children will stand here until they drop down dead X and then their children will stand here until they drop down dead.

  X

  Move me along and someone else will take my place.

  X

  We will dance and drink and fuck on the lawn.

  X

  Set fire to the lawn furniture.

  X

  Smash the garden gnomes and force-feed them the pieces.

  X

  We will force-feed them the grass until they are sick.

  X

  We will pitch a thousand tents.

  X

  Build houses on the lawn.

  X

  Houses and streets and pubs and hospitals and libraries and schools.

  X

  Build a city over every blade of grass and run it so much better than they ever could.

  X

  We will pave over it. We will pour acid in the soil so nothing grows.

  X

  We will burn the lawn.

  X

  Burn the lawn with them still on it.

  X

  You left us to rot. You sold the grass from underneath us. You stunted our growth. You stopped us before we even got going.

  I’m not going anywhere.

  X

  I’m not going anywhere.

  X

  I’m not going anywhere.

  X

  Not going anywhere.

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  Hold your ground.

  XX

  X

  Stay strong

  X

  Keep calm

  X

  X

  X

  X

  It can’t go on forever.

  X

  X

  Stand your

  X

  Stand your ground

  X

  X

  Be brave!

  X

  X

  X

  I can’t

  X

  Hold

  X

  X

  I can’t

  X

  X

  X

  X

  X

  X

  X

  X

  ENOUGH. I’m sorry. I can’t. What you doing here?

  Standing on the grass?

  Bang you’re dead.

  Y

  You can’t do that.

  I’m sorry. Bang!

  Y

  Stop.

  Bang!

  Y

  Stop that!

  Bang! Bang!

  YY

  You’re under arrest.

  Y

  Fucking hell

  X

  I’m sorry.

  Y

  Let’s talk about this.

  X

  No more talking.

  Y

  I’m going to make you apologise.

  X

  I’m going to give you a warning.

  X

  I’m going to hurt you.

  X

  Kill you.

  Y

  I’m going to kill you. I’m sorry.

  X

  I’m going to kill you and I’m not sorry.

  Y

  Why?

  Because I have to.

  X

  Because someone’s told me to.

  X

  Because it’s good for my career.

  X

  Because I want to make an example of you.

  X

  Because I want to?

  Y

  I’m going to kill you because I want to.

  Y

  Why?

  I don’t know.

  X

  It’s good for the country.

  X

  Good for the world?

  X

  Sends a message.

  X

  You deserve it?

  Y

  You deserve it.

  Y

  Why?

  I don’t know.

  X

  You ignored the sign.

  Y

  You ignored the sign and you walked on the grass.

  Y

  That’s it?

  Y

  Apparently.

  I’m sorry.

  X

  I’m really sorry.

  X

  I won’t do it again?

  X

  I’ll name names?

  X

  Too late for that.

  Y

  I’m going to get started now.

  Y

  Before you do it. Can I call my mum?

  Of course.

  X

  No

  Y

  This won’t change anything.

  Yes it will.

  X

  This won’t change anything.

  That doesn’t matter.

  Y

  What you going to do to me?

  It’s going to be quick.

  X

  What you going to do to me?

  It’s not going to hurt
.

  X

  It’s going to be very painful.

  Y

  I’m going to shoot you.

  X

  Stab you.

  X

  Torture you.

  Y

  I’m going to torture you.

  Y

  I’m going to pull out your hair.

  X

  Pull out your tongue.

  Y

  I’m going to pull out your tongue and peel back your nails.

  Y

  I’m going to pull out your tongue and peel back your nails and rip open your stomach with my hands.

  YY

  I’m going to. To snap your jaw from its hinges.

  Y

  What you going to do to me?

  Please. No more.

  X

  I can’t.

  X

  I won’t.

  XXX

  What you going to do to me?

  I’m going to peel back your nails Y and pull out your tongue and rip open your stomach with my hands and snap your jaw from its hinges Y and I’m going to smash what’s left of your face over and over and harder and harder until there’s nothing left until it’s mush and then I’ll show that face to the world Y and say ‘this is what happens this is what happens this is what happens to people like you!’

  YYYY

  And then I’m going to take your body and string it up over the grass so that no one will ever walk on it again.

  X

  What more do you want?

  X

  What more do you fucking want?!

  X

  I don’t understand!

  X

  X

  X

  I’m tired.

  X

  I’m so tired now.

  X

  No more.

  X

  I don’t care.

  X

  X

  X

  X

  X

  X

  X

  Standing.

  Y

  On the grass.

  I’m standing on the grass and trying to change the world before –

  X

  I’m standing on the grass and trying to change the world but I don’t think I can change the world.

  Y

  And because I want to change the world but I don’t think I can change the world I’m going to get off the grass

  Y

  And go buy fair-trade candles and organic avocados and I’ll take photos of them. And then I’ll meet someone and I can take photos of them instead on holiday or out for brunch and I can ask them to move in with me and we can find a shit flat that we don’t like in a part of town we never wanted to live in and then we can get married so there are more photos we can take and when we get bored again we can have a child and there’ll be even more photos to take and then everything might be alright because I can pin all my hopes on my child instead and be okay with the fact that I’m not going to change the world because maybe I can be the parent of someone who changes the world and that’s good enough for me my child could be Prime Minister or lead a revolution or cure cancer or some other horrible disease although if it’s Prime Minister everyone will hate it and if it leads a revolution it will probably die or kill lots of people or both and if it cures cancer everyone will love it at first but then after a while people will stop dying and everyone will live to a really old age and they’ll probably use robots or something to take the cancer cure and use it to create a cure for death itself which means that nobody dies of natural causes which means that there’s too many people which means that there’s no room the air is stale everything stinks there aren’t any jobs there are no new ideas dictators live on and on and on the worst wars in human history break out over who gets to have my child’s cure mothers don’t remember giving birth to their children nobody takes any risks everybody just sits in their chair because they’re afraid of dying from an accident when they could live forever and I don’t want that I don’t want that to happen but there’s another part of me that thinks that whatever I do in my life whether I’m good or bad have a child or live alone get a job that I love or a job that I hate whether I try and help other people or only look out for myself or even if I do somehow manage to change the world for a while it doesn’t really matter because no matter what we do things always go back the same way and whatever I do I’m going to end up in the same place with no mind and no memories no memories of anything and my body is going to be burnt up there won’t be anything to prove that I ever existed so what’s the point of even living at all because if time is infinite then there’s no real difference between dying at my age and dying at one hundred if anything it’s better to die now less pain less anger less stress less confusion less confusion less confusion less confusion less confusion less confusion but then when I think about dying –